TWO YEARS of faithfulness

Tomorrow is my precious daughter's 2nd birthday. Even as I type that, a flood of emotions fill my heart. How do I have a 2 year old? Two years of missed moments with my daughter. Two years of wondering what her little personality would be like and who she would become. And yet, two years, for my dearest daughter, of basking in the very presence of Jesus. What more could I want for Sophia!

So much has changed these last two years and so much has changed just this very last year. A year ago I was 37 weeks pregnant with Samuel and praying that God would not let him be born on his big sister's birthday. Not that it would have been the worst thing to happen, but I just wanted them to each have their own special day. Little did I need to worry as Samuel stayed put for almost 4 more weeks. This year is so different from last year in that all I wanted to do was to survive the day and make it as special as possible for Sophia. This year I know I can survive and am more focused on making it a special day - without all the worry and fear.

My daughter taught me so much through her little life that first year that I was literally blown away. And I have learned more yet this second year, going deeper and, perhaps, in being a bit more level-headed than I was when my heart was still so buried in emotions.

God's faithfulness has been my theme these last two years. God was faithful to carry me through saying hello to my daughter only to have to say goodbye moments later. God was faithful to give me a greater glimpse in the coming days and weeks of just who He created my daughter to be. God was faithful to show Himself sovereign in my life when I felt unstable and scared to trust again. God was faithful to show me grace after grace, despite my doubts and fears.

God was faithful to give us another child, even in the very timing I prayed for. God was faithful to spare our son when we were given little hope, short of a miracle, from a medical standpoint. God was faithful, again, to show Himself sovereign in my life when, again, I felt unstable and scared to trust again. God was faithful to answer my prayers in allowing my husband to not have to go away for a time and be able to witness our son's birth. God was faithful to restore joy into my husband's and my life with a beautiful baby boy who reminds us daily of His goodness. God was faithful to show me how He wanted me to share Sophia with others in a deeper capacity this year. And God was faithful in providing opportunities to minister to others and share the hope that He's given me in Him.

Sophia has taught me how to love in a capacity that I could not before. I can love my son in a deeper, more tangible way than I could have before her. I often express how thankful I am that she set the bar high as to being able to better love her future sibling(s).

There are so many ways I parent Samuel differently than I know I would have with Sophia on a daily basis. I walk into the living room and can't help but see a roomful of joy instead of chaos, with tows strewn all over the floor. After giving birth to Samuel and bringing him home, I would smile every time I found a tiny, little baby sock lying in some random place. Or when I glanced across the kitchen into the living room to see this perfect, little human being sleeping away blissfully in his rock n play. It felt like nothing short of a dream for the longest time. And I soaked it all in...every little bit. It's hard to take very much for granted when you know all to well what it is to experience the other side. To come home with empty, aching arms.

I can smile tonight, on the eve of Sophia's 2nd birthday, with tears of gratefulness...because I have hope. Hope that I will see her again and spend eternity with her. And I can smile with tears of joy because I know I am 2 years closer to holding her in my arms again.

Letter to my birthday girl

Dearest Sophia,

Can it really be that we are already celebrating your first birthday?? My heart aches to be able to celebrate your very first birthday WITH you. I had dreamed and schemed for so long, imagining what sort of birthday party I might plan for our firstborn and what sort of cake smash photo session we would have for you. Yet I am so thankful, knowing Jesus is throwing you the biggest and grandest birthday celebration you could ever have. I am still planning a party for you here, celebrating with your grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins, and all those who love you so much. But it won't be the same without you here.

I never knew a mother's love until I met you and held you in my arms for the first time. There was most certainly a bond between us that grew as I felt you form inside me. But the feeling of seeing and holding your perfect little body for the first time is something unexplainable. Something I will never forget. A tiny little human being that shared striking resemblances of both her daddy and her mommy. I have never seen someone so tiny that was yet so completely formed and PERFECT. What a miracle you are.

A year ago today was the hardest day of my life. And this past year has been the most difficult, challenging year ever. Yet God has taught me so very much through you, my precious daughter.

I have learned that God does give us more than we can handle at times. There have been a few cases of more difficult news since losing you in this past year that have left me begging and asking the Lord "how much more do you think I can take?!" Still, He always provides just enough strength to carry me through. Sometimes it's been as small as being able to get out of bed the next morning. He never fails though. And is always good.

I have learned that being your mom is one of the best things that has happened to me. It is such an honor to have you as my daughter and my firstborn. I never tire of talking about you. It makes my day just to hear someone bring you up in conversation, hearing your name spoken aloud. I have often commented to others how you have accomplished more in your little life than I have in 30 years. It still blows my mind to think about but is so very, very true.

I have learned that there are so many others like me that are hurting in similar situations. Because of you, my eyes have become open in a whole new way. I have gained a huge heart for those struggling with infertility, miscarriage, and of course, infant loss. I have also gained a whole new world of friends. Friends who understand exactly where I am at, what I am going through, and know best how to support, encourage, and pray for me. You have also made me strive to be a better friend to others.

Finally, you have raised the bar that much higher in terms of being able to love your siblings-to-be. Already, I have learned you have made me a better mother than I would have otherwise been only to you. And I'm quite certain I could say the same for your father who you will always be loved by so very much also.

I love you more than I ever thought possible. I long for Heaven more than ever before. And I am so very proud to call you my daughter.  Happy Birthday Sophia Christine!

Love,
your Mommy

9 Months

I have been missing my baby girl so much lately. The ache inside has not yet subsided since that very last moment I held her in my arms and kissed her, one last time, 9 months ago today. And I know that it will never leave completely. A huge piece of her is forever with and a part of me.

And I can't but help think of all the little and big things of the last 9 months that, with each new season, make me miss Sophia all over again, more than I ever thought was possible.

It's her little brother, growing rapidly in the very same place she grew only 9 months ago. Samuel's ever-increasingly strong kicks are constant reminders of the few I got to experience with his big sister. Walking by the aisles of little girls' summer clothes brings a wave of fresh pain each time, a reminder that I don't get to dress my little girl in headbands and lace and pink each day.

Family Day at my husband's work and the memories rushing back of carrying my sweet Sophia last year who was so small yet that it was only her daddy & I's secret at the time. And this year being there, pregnant again, yet the void of our little girl felt so strongly. Watching all the other little children getting a tour of the inside of the airplane and thinking how our little girl should have been getting her first glimpse of her daddy's plane he flies.

The county fair this past week was bittersweet, even knowing as I couldn't be there this year, in doing my best to keep my own little boy safe inside. And yet the all-so-recent thoughts from last year's fair as my husband and I walked around as newly-weds, hand-in-hand. And I shared with him my excitement for next year's fair, anticipating being one of "those" families pushing around our own little one in a stroller. And of course the Adorable Baby Contest I had looked forward to entering our own adorable 5 month-old baby in.

And the list goes on. And on. And on.

At first, I asked God WHY all the time. And I still often ask why, especially in times like these. But I have also learned that when I don't ask the question as often now, there is a peace that usually fills my heart instead. I know that I will never understand why. And that it's ok to still ask sometimes.

But, mostly, I know in my heart that I have to trust Him, no matter how easy or hard, no matter if the situation is clear or unclear, no matter if it makes any sense or not. For it is in those moments when I place all my trust back into my Savior's hands that I am filled with hope again. And I can more clearly see Him bringing purpose from my deepest pain.

It is that which has helped me get out of bed every single day for these past 9 months.

Today I am 9 months closer to holding my sweet baby girl again. There is not a day that goes by that my heart does not long for my Savior and my sweet Sophia Christine, who is being safely held in His arms until that very day.

Special letter from Samuel

Hey everyone!

It's me, Samuel. I figured it was about time for me to say hi and thank all of you personally who have been praying hard for me even since first hearing I was going to be joining the Ver Steeg family. I want everyone to know that your prayers are effective and being answered. My mommy had a good follow-up appointment today and the doctor told her everything is looking great and that the cerclage is holding up just as she would expect to see. Mommy & Daddy are thanking God for this good news!

I was also thoroughly checked today, having my second anatomy ultrasound since I'm that much bigger than the last one at 16 weeks. The ultrasound tech said I weigh 14 ounces now and am measuring overall at 21 weeks...4 days ahead. And guess what, I'm still a boy too :) But then I already knew that.  I was doing my best to be super active while everyone was watching me. So when I needed to rest a little, the tech didn't seem to like that...something to do about being unable to finish checking out my heart. She even made Mommy try switching positions to get me to move again, but I was perfectly happy right where I was. Then I heard the words "stubborn" and "Dutch". Not really certain what that was all about but I'm sure it had nothing to do with me. Daddy??

I want to ask for your continued prayers for me and Mommy, that the cerclage would continue to do its job well, and that I would stay safe inside for a long time yet. I'm so excited to meet all of you that have been praying for me but I know its best that I grow even bigger and stronger first. My mommy tells me all the the time how loved I am and how much prayer there has been for me, before anyone has yet met me. All I know is that I am well taken care of and am safe and cozy in here. Something else I am told a lot is that I am blessed.

Love, Samuel

Waving bye-bye!

One Year Later

One year ago today my life changed forever. One year ago today I said I DO and committed to spend the rest of my life to the tall, dark, and handsome man of my years and years of prayer, standing before me at the altar. As I stood there repeating those life-changing vows, there was so much else before me that I didn't yet know. 

I didn't know what a genuine gift marriage truly is. I didn't know that closing on our new home 2 days before our wedding would equal a sudden reality check coming back from our honeymoon into a very disarrayed home. I didn't know we would become parents to a precious little girl 6 months later. I didn't know we would have to plan a memorial service only shortly after planning our own wedding. 

I didn't know that all my husband's time away from home would only make our time together that much sweeter and intentional. I didn't know that the struggles and heartache we would face so early on would at the same time build our marriage unbelievably stronger in a very short time. 

I didn't know quite to the extent that life with my husband would promise never a single dull or boring moment. I didn't know the sacrifices I would watch my husband make for the sake of me and for our family. I didn't know the overwhelming strength and grace the Lord would pour out to carry me every single day I couldn't get through on my own. I didn't know how grateful I would be over and again for the decision we made to live where we do. I didn't know that I could love my husband as deeply as I do now. 

But I DID know that no matter what, my Savior would never abandon me. I did know that no matter how many times I needed to cry, my husband was there for me with open arms and loving compassion. I did know that when it seemed no one else could fully understand what I was walking through, that my husband would most closely. And I did know that God gave me exactly whom I needed as my husband, life partner, and very best friend.

Broken Hallelujah

Today brings such a myriad range of emotions. The once long-awaited and anticipated due date of our firstborn daughter's arrival. My heart has never felt so broken or my arms so empty. The longings to have our sweet Sophia back have never been stronger.  Considering all the should-have-beens right now is something I don't dare to dwell on too deeply for the fresh pain it brings. There are "trigger" reminders absolutely everywhere I look right now. And it's impossible to escape them. Watching my husband hurt because of where we should be right now makes me hurt even more. 

I long for the sleepless nights, diaper blow-outs, sweet baby cuddles, and absolutely everything that encompasses the pure joy a newborn brings into the world. Instead, my husband and I are pouring over details and decisions about our daughter's headstone. Instead of beginning maternity leave and looking ahead towards a new part-time work schedule, I am facing simply another full work week at the office. 

Yet our lives have been forever changed and forever wrecked because of this miraculous gift bestowed upon us by God. The fact that He CHOSE US to be her parents still completely blows me away.  The legacy Sophia has left since her short stay on earth is only just beginning. I am still amazed at all that has transpired in just these last 4 short months because of her life. Does this make the pain and grief any less? No. But the fact that God has used her life to reach and impact so many lives already is a testimony to the plan destined for her from the very beginning. A life beautifully poured out to bring praise and glory to the very Giver of Life. Because of her, I can present Him my broken hallelujah. What an honor to be able to carry our daughter for her entire short life, holding her in my own arms as Jesus took her into His.

Broken Hallelujah

I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah.