TWO YEARS of faithfulness

Tomorrow is my precious daughter's 2nd birthday. Even as I type that, a flood of emotions fill my heart. How do I have a 2 year old? Two years of missed moments with my daughter. Two years of wondering what her little personality would be like and who she would become. And yet, two years, for my dearest daughter, of basking in the very presence of Jesus. What more could I want for Sophia!

So much has changed these last two years and so much has changed just this very last year. A year ago I was 37 weeks pregnant with Samuel and praying that God would not let him be born on his big sister's birthday. Not that it would have been the worst thing to happen, but I just wanted them to each have their own special day. Little did I need to worry as Samuel stayed put for almost 4 more weeks. This year is so different from last year in that all I wanted to do was to survive the day and make it as special as possible for Sophia. This year I know I can survive and am more focused on making it a special day - without all the worry and fear.

My daughter taught me so much through her little life that first year that I was literally blown away. And I have learned more yet this second year, going deeper and, perhaps, in being a bit more level-headed than I was when my heart was still so buried in emotions.

God's faithfulness has been my theme these last two years. God was faithful to carry me through saying hello to my daughter only to have to say goodbye moments later. God was faithful to give me a greater glimpse in the coming days and weeks of just who He created my daughter to be. God was faithful to show Himself sovereign in my life when I felt unstable and scared to trust again. God was faithful to show me grace after grace, despite my doubts and fears.

God was faithful to give us another child, even in the very timing I prayed for. God was faithful to spare our son when we were given little hope, short of a miracle, from a medical standpoint. God was faithful, again, to show Himself sovereign in my life when, again, I felt unstable and scared to trust again. God was faithful to answer my prayers in allowing my husband to not have to go away for a time and be able to witness our son's birth. God was faithful to restore joy into my husband's and my life with a beautiful baby boy who reminds us daily of His goodness. God was faithful to show me how He wanted me to share Sophia with others in a deeper capacity this year. And God was faithful in providing opportunities to minister to others and share the hope that He's given me in Him.

Sophia has taught me how to love in a capacity that I could not before. I can love my son in a deeper, more tangible way than I could have before her. I often express how thankful I am that she set the bar high as to being able to better love her future sibling(s).

There are so many ways I parent Samuel differently than I know I would have with Sophia on a daily basis. I walk into the living room and can't help but see a roomful of joy instead of chaos, with tows strewn all over the floor. After giving birth to Samuel and bringing him home, I would smile every time I found a tiny, little baby sock lying in some random place. Or when I glanced across the kitchen into the living room to see this perfect, little human being sleeping away blissfully in his rock n play. It felt like nothing short of a dream for the longest time. And I soaked it all in...every little bit. It's hard to take very much for granted when you know all to well what it is to experience the other side. To come home with empty, aching arms.

I can smile tonight, on the eve of Sophia's 2nd birthday, with tears of gratefulness...because I have hope. Hope that I will see her again and spend eternity with her. And I can smile with tears of joy because I know I am 2 years closer to holding her in my arms again.