Broken Hallelujah

Today brings such a myriad range of emotions. The once long-awaited and anticipated due date of our firstborn daughter's arrival. My heart has never felt so broken or my arms so empty. The longings to have our sweet Sophia back have never been stronger.  Considering all the should-have-beens right now is something I don't dare to dwell on too deeply for the fresh pain it brings. There are "trigger" reminders absolutely everywhere I look right now. And it's impossible to escape them. Watching my husband hurt because of where we should be right now makes me hurt even more. 

I long for the sleepless nights, diaper blow-outs, sweet baby cuddles, and absolutely everything that encompasses the pure joy a newborn brings into the world. Instead, my husband and I are pouring over details and decisions about our daughter's headstone. Instead of beginning maternity leave and looking ahead towards a new part-time work schedule, I am facing simply another full work week at the office. 

Yet our lives have been forever changed and forever wrecked because of this miraculous gift bestowed upon us by God. The fact that He CHOSE US to be her parents still completely blows me away.  The legacy Sophia has left since her short stay on earth is only just beginning. I am still amazed at all that has transpired in just these last 4 short months because of her life. Does this make the pain and grief any less? No. But the fact that God has used her life to reach and impact so many lives already is a testimony to the plan destined for her from the very beginning. A life beautifully poured out to bring praise and glory to the very Giver of Life. Because of her, I can present Him my broken hallelujah. What an honor to be able to carry our daughter for her entire short life, holding her in my own arms as Jesus took her into His.

Broken Hallelujah

I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah.