Dearest Sophia,
Can it really be that we are already celebrating your first birthday?? My heart aches to be able to celebrate your very first birthday WITH you. I had dreamed and schemed for so long, imagining what sort of birthday party I might plan for our firstborn and what sort of cake smash photo session we would have for you. Yet I am so thankful, knowing Jesus is throwing you the biggest and grandest birthday celebration you could ever have. I am still planning a party for you here, celebrating with your grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins, and all those who love you so much. But it won't be the same without you here.
I never knew a mother's love until I met you and held you in my arms for the first time. There was most certainly a bond between us that grew as I felt you form inside me. But the feeling of seeing and holding your perfect little body for the first time is something unexplainable. Something I will never forget. A tiny little human being that shared striking resemblances of both her daddy and her mommy. I have never seen someone so tiny that was yet so completely formed and PERFECT. What a miracle you are.
A year ago today was the hardest day of my life. And this past year has been the most difficult, challenging year ever. Yet God has taught me so very much through you, my precious daughter.
I have learned that God does give us more than we can handle at times. There have been a few cases of more difficult news since losing you in this past year that have left me begging and asking the Lord "how much more do you think I can take?!" Still, He always provides just enough strength to carry me through. Sometimes it's been as small as being able to get out of bed the next morning. He never fails though. And is always good.
I have learned that being your mom is one of the best things that has happened to me. It is such an honor to have you as my daughter and my firstborn. I never tire of talking about you. It makes my day just to hear someone bring you up in conversation, hearing your name spoken aloud. I have often commented to others how you have accomplished more in your little life than I have in 30 years. It still blows my mind to think about but is so very, very true.
I have learned that there are so many others like me that are hurting in similar situations. Because of you, my eyes have become open in a whole new way. I have gained a huge heart for those struggling with infertility, miscarriage, and of course, infant loss. I have also gained a whole new world of friends. Friends who understand exactly where I am at, what I am going through, and know best how to support, encourage, and pray for me. You have also made me strive to be a better friend to others.
Finally, you have raised the bar that much higher in terms of being able to love your siblings-to-be. Already, I have learned you have made me a better mother than I would have otherwise been only to you. And I'm quite certain I could say the same for your father who you will always be loved by so very much also.
I love you more than I ever thought possible. I long for Heaven more than ever before. And I am so very proud to call you my daughter. Happy Birthday Sophia Christine!
Love,
your Mommy
