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And I can't but help think of all the little and big things of the last 9 months that, with each new season, make me miss Sophia all over again, more than I ever thought was possible.
It's her little brother, growing rapidly in the very same place she grew only 9 months ago. Samuel's ever-increasingly strong kicks are constant reminders of the few I got to experience with his big sister. Walking by the aisles of little girls' summer clothes brings a wave of fresh pain each time, a reminder that I don't get to dress my little girl in headbands and lace and pink each day.
Family Day at my husband's work and the memories rushing back of carrying my sweet Sophia last year who was so small yet that it was only her daddy & I's secret at the time. And this year being there, pregnant again, yet the void of our little girl felt so strongly. Watching all the other little children getting a tour of the inside of the airplane and thinking how our little girl should have been getting her first glimpse of her daddy's plane he flies.
The county fair this past week was bittersweet, even knowing as I couldn't be there this year, in doing my best to keep my own little boy safe inside. And yet the all-so-recent thoughts from last year's fair as my husband and I walked around as newly-weds, hand-in-hand. And I shared with him my excitement for next year's fair, anticipating being one of "those" families pushing around our own little one in a stroller. And of course the Adorable Baby Contest I had looked forward to entering our own adorable 5 month-old baby in.
And the list goes on. And on. And on.
At first, I asked God WHY all the time. And I still often ask why, especially in times like these. But I have also learned that when I don't ask the question as often now, there is a peace that usually fills my heart instead. I know that I will never understand why. And that it's ok to still ask sometimes.
But, mostly, I know in my heart that I have to trust Him, no matter how easy or hard, no matter if the situation is clear or unclear, no matter if it makes any sense or not. For it is in those moments when I place all my trust back into my Savior's hands that I am filled with hope again. And I can more clearly see Him bringing purpose from my deepest pain.
It is that which has helped me get out of bed every single day for these past 9 months.
Today I am 9 months closer to holding my sweet baby girl again. There is not a day that goes by that my heart does not long for my Savior and my sweet Sophia Christine, who is being safely held in His arms until that very day.
